Thank you Lionsgate for pointlessly region-locking this 12-year-old film on Blu Ray. I totally cannot play it now. That’s money you WON’T be making from a sale.

There’s action, water (plenty of water), gun play, more action, actors from the “A” list (Morgan Freeman, Minnie Driver), one from the “B” list (Randy Quaid) and the “star” of it all, Christian Slater; “It” being none other than “Hard Rain,” an “action/thriller” written by Graham Yost and directed by Mikael Salomon. Going in, it would seem that it has all the elements required of a film of this genre to succeed. Going out, one must pause to reflect and wonder: How did this movie ever see the light of day? How did it even get made? Better yet, why? For anyone unlucky enough to have suffered through this muddle in a theater, the only “thrill” would’ve been finally being able to leave when it was over. One of the blessings of video is that it adds to one’s options; in this case, being able to TURN IT OFF and cut your losses. The trouble begins with the screenplay by Yost (who as a writer is responsible for a number of decent, exciting movies, including “Speed, “Broken Arrow” and “Mission To Mars”), whose concept here is suspect from the start. In the middle of a flood, which quickly renders everyone practically immobile (almost immediately every character is up to their waist in water), four men planning to rob an armored car continue on as if their feet are still on dry ground; and it’s only the beginning of a plot that stretches credibility just too far. As it plods along (I should say “slogs” along), even suspending disbelief will not work here; sure, this is an action flick and you have to accept what you’re given to a certain extent. But here we’re to believe, for instance, that no less than six lifelong law-abiding, decent citizens suddenly become murderers and thieves, two with some premeditation, four at the drop of a hat. It just doesn’t wash, by anyone’s measuring stick. Soon frames of reference begin to cloud and merge, which creates an even more ambiguous reality; halfway through this movie you can’t tell the good guys from the bad guys without a scorecard. And, as if to make sure that none of this can be taken with even a grain of salt, the dialogue is so bad it must be the stuff of which an actor’s worst nightmares are born. Better they should have no lines to say than be saddled with this inane prattle. At least when the story picks up the town has already been evacuated, except for the Sheriff and three or four officers and a utility worker, and of course the obligatory (in this case three) others who refuse to leave. This is a positive note, however. Fewer characters means fewer occasions for banal utterances. The crushing blow is delivered, however, by director Salomon, whose lack of imagination renders this film D.O.A. And he should have seen it coming; it’s his job to know what works and what doesn’t. He’s the one with the placard that says “The Buck Stops Here.” The real shame of this debacle, though, is the waste of such talent as Freeman and Driver, especially, and even Quaid and Slater. They deserve better. To their credit, they all did as much as was humanly possible with the material with which they were given to work. This is one of those projects that must have looked good on paper, but somewhere in the execution went south. And apparently very quickly. The supporting cast includes Edward Asner (Uncle Charlie), Michael A. Goorjian (Kenny), Richard A. Dysart (Henry), Betty White (Doreen) and Mark Rolston (Wayne). On the positive side, “Hard Rain” does have some decent special F/X. But the best thing about this movie is the fact that it makes one appreciate a really good film, the kind we’ve come to expect from the people involved with this one. It makes you appreciate Schwarzenegger. It even makes you appreciate Van Damme. Then again, this isn’t the first time that actors of this caliber have been entangled with a movie this bad. In fact, if you listen closely you can almost hear Michael Caine off somewhere chuckling and whispering “Jaws 4″ to himself in a quiet aside.